last night i saw something that will probably stay in my mind for a very long time. i was driving home from work. it was about 2 am and on my way home i started to see a big crowd of people on the street ahead. as i drove by i caught a glance at what was going on and to my surprise i saw a man on the floor laying face down, motionless with a puddle of blood around him. a few feet away from him lay anther body, but by this time i was to striken to figure out what it was. my hand instantly came up to my face. it was a horrible sight. it looked like maybe two cars might've ran these two people over. i'm not quite sure and since i was driving. you all know how we tend to slow down to take a look but know we have to move along. what a sight it was. i still have the image of that man laying there. i hope everything was okay but i fear the worst had happened.
the sight of the accident brought me back to remember that horrible day my sister got ran over . i was 16 and felt completely responsible. atleast i feel now that i could've prevented it. you see, the reason why she was in the accident was because i wanted to buy an ice cream from the ice cream truck that was driving through the street time she didn't have money enough for both of us so i oferred to go to my house (which was a couple of houses down from hers) to get more money. when i came out it turns out that the car had ran her over pretty bad. i feel that if maybe i hadn't gone to my house and would've walked with her i would've seen the car coming a warn her to move. people who know me know that this is one of my deep wounds that somehow does not completely heal. the months that passed after the accident were one where i think i grew up the most. visiting her every day and even sleeping over night just so she wouldn't feel alone. you see, when the car hit her she was gone for about a month. i still remember standing next to her holding her hand pleading to her to wake back forcing myself to not cry. feeling her hand squeezing mine, but not being able to see her eyes open. slent tears were the only sign of life that escaped those locked eyes. i knew she heard everything i said because she would squeeze my hand. when she finally woke up her eyes were hollow, empty. my face to her did not fit a description and she did not know who i was. this remained that was for about 2 months more. she was staying at a rehabilitation clinic because her brained had swollen from the accident and needed to be taught a lot of things again. there were nights where i thought i wouldn't be able to make it through. trying to convince her that iwas her sister and not an enemy for that's what she thought i was. she would insult me and even try to hit me with her crutches(she had a broken leg). then she would instantly fall into a spell and again came the hollow eyes. i would crumble to the floor and sit there for hours just looking at her staring at the wall.
if you only knew what i went through all my life....you'd see why i stay away sometimes from emotion. but deep down, i still hurt from it all. from my not so happy childhood, the beatings, the insults whatching my mom rot away, to my sisters accident and my brother leaving home, to my father's death then a year later my godmother's death which also lies in my conscience because that day she came over to visit us and i could've taken her home but didn't and because of that she never arrived. she too had gotten ran over but this time it was tragic and she passed away.
so you see this that i witnessed yesterday brought back a lot of painful memories. i guess it's something to remind me that it's okay to cry a little. it's okay to be alive...
9:46 a.m. - 2003-02-02
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