i think we had one of the biggest fights ever. i yelled, he laughed. i cried, he still laughed. pulled my chair next to him and hugged me until i could no longer breathe. i think he wanted to cry too. i called him up and told him to come over because we needed to talk. he got here in five miutes. he came into my room and sat down. by the look on his face i knew he was concerned even scared. call me a bitch but i liked it. ofcourse, seing him in pain made me hate myself even more.
he's the type that likes to look things on the positive side. he doesn't get angry and i guess the reason for him to laugh was because he was nervous, afraid of what i would do, or undo. we've broken up before for six months. he knows it's a possibility. if i feel the need to get out i will. although now it's too hard. i need him too much and i know he needs me.
this is too touchy for me. i don't normally write like this you know. but today i will. i'll share with you the events that took place yesterday. it was a rollercoaster of emotions, that's for sure.
after the screaming/crying/laughing session with leo i went over to my cousin's house because she had a party for her son whom she had babtized that day. i saw the grandparents (thats how i call them, they're my grandparents but don't show it). the aunts were there (my dad's sisters). they're hypocrites who i haven't seen since my dad passed away. back then in his funeral they were all in tears faking the emotions and pretending to truly hurt. why? why would they hurt when they never even gave him a chance to enter their homes. they never gave us a chance to participate in their little family gatherings on christmas and thanksgiving. the grandparents nor the 6 aunts never even cared about us (my dad's family, the out casts). he died 4 years ago and boy were they putting on a show. i ignored them and pretended to not know them. after all they really were strangers to me.
they were there yesterday and it had been 4 years since i'd since them last at my father's funeral. you see, one of the aunts lives in l.a. near my house, she's the only aunt we talk to. they always visit her but never bother to drive a couple of blocks to see us.
i entered my aunts house to say hello and saw the gradparents and the two aunts that came down from san diego. the first one to see me was the grandma. as she was extending her arms to embrace me, i instantly put my arm out and greeted her with a handshake. she was baffled and confused. i continued to do the same for the rest and grandpa was sitting on the couch. didn't bother to get up so i nodded a hello his way. if he thought i was going to walk over there to "hug" him and pretend to be happy to see him like they were pretending, they've got something else coming to them. you see, i'm not the hugging person. i rarely hug people. and if i do it's because i truly care about you and it comes from the heart to do so. either that or i have no choice cause you've already pulled me over. why would i hug them if they're strangers to me? why would they be so surprised?
enough of that shit. thinking about it infuriates me deely!
the good thing about yeasterday was leo. i know i really love him and we're going to spend eternity together. i can't wait 'till the wedding. i'm so happy and excited.
another new update. i might be a reviewer for From the Heart Reviews (it's in my review page). pretty kewl huh? yeah, watch out cause here i come to crticize away. yup, that's how us virgo's are!
gotta go buy rosaita a birthday present. until then, may the stars speak..
1:07 p.m. - 2003-04-13
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