i shouldn't have let the microphone pass me by. i should've grabbed it and poured my heart out like everyone else. but i couldn't.
everyone was sharing a time when they had to forgive or be forgiven. many tears were shed throughtout the stories, what seemed lke just a murmur to my ears. all i could think about was the pain i felt in my chest. the feeling of not being able to breathe. the worst feeling of all was the fight to hold back the prisoner tears.
but i let it go. i swallowed my heart and pretended that everything was okay. very likely of me to think that i could handle it on my own. i don't need to share it with the world. or do i?
this is not a cry for help. this is not a message for a reply of pity or sympathy. this is just MY way of dealing with it. there are just some times when i feel so alone. i may have my boyfriend and those few people which i exchange words with but deep down am i alone.
it's not like leo makes me feel alone but there are times when he has other things to do and i understand that. i fully do! but that doesn't change the fact that when there is no dial tone on the other end it remains quiet in my heart as well.
my friends are just that. someone who will occasionally call you. they can't even be honest enough to face me and tell me the truth. filled with lies and secrets. am i that cold-hearted? to where my friend can't even tell me the little details in her life. even if i disapproved. so who am i turn to? you? you don't know me! you don't even have the slightest idea of who i am. you know the side of me that is programmed to face the world.
i don't blame you though! it's a hard thing to do.
enough of the shit talk. i'm in no mood...
9:28 a.m. - 2003-06-04
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