I think the reason why I was so drawn to you was because I admired you as a man. I thought to myself, now there's a man's man -- a woman's man. He is straight up transparent. He will love you and protect you, embrace you, care for you, like a porcelain doll, ready to handle you with the upmost care. This is a man. Regardless if he is not for me, or maybe a temporary fill, to make me catch a glimpse of what I missed out on all these years.
But then, you're slowly breaking down. I do not see you that way anymore. Like a piece of designer clothing that you thought you got for a bargain, and instead come to the realization that it was defective... that's why it was so cheap. A facade. The perfect man came with imperfections and you are no longer at the top of my pedestal. I am fighting myself on this one because I did not want to bring you down. But the forces in me are winning and I can't help but succumb to their desperate need to strip you from this glass I have surrounded you in, protecting you from everything dark and negative. My own little altar.
I still can't believe you left me there. How could you forget that I was there, for you to care for and protect? I have only one response, of course, it's those little monsters that dwell in my head that keep pushing this thought, quite simple -- you didn't care whether I made it home or not. I was not your problem. And so you left without a damn care in the world. I don't know what I did in the span of hours while I desperately searched for you. Concern led to fear, led to anger, led to heartbreak. I know you don't reciprocate my feelings, but to leave me there alone in an area that you knew was filled with danger, alone without my senses in tact, intoxicated, afraid. I have never been so ashamed in my 37 years of life. I catch glimpses here and there -- images of me sobbing, we are beyond the use of the word crying because you know very well you heard the messages -- I was sobbing like a child. Ashamed, vomiting in the street and incapacitated-- that's how I felt. How a man can reduce me, ME, this warrior of a woman... I can't believe that I have allowed you to reduce me to this level, this pathetic and weak shell of a woman I always swore I'd NEVER be.
Yet I hurt. There is a deep deep pain I am feeling in my heart... because I love you and now, like a cancer, my body is trying to be rid of you. It has chosen to ignore my heart and has slowly begun an intervention to strip you away.
I love you. I never wanted to. You have hurt me, very much. And no matter how much your words attempt to convince me that you will never do it again, my warrior mind tells me that the words you speak to me are not for me... they are for you. Because I saw the crack in your armor. The hurt is still there. It is the antidote to ridding you from me.
I love you. I never meant to. I still do.
I will never forget how you left me there. The pain in my heart won't let me forget.
7:48 a.m. - 2018-08-27
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