I hate that everytime I get drunk, I have to ruin it with my so-called "crazy behavior ". But don't you get that I just react to you and your constant rejection?
You came out to have drinks when I invited you, even though I was with my friend. This was a first for you, you've never done that. It was very important to me. But apparently I fucked it up with my "craziness" towards the end of the night. I'm sorry, I can't help it. You said I was trying to kiss you and that I kept insisting. Public displays of affection are not your thing. You said I kept asking you to meet your sons, and despite your repeated answer of yes, I kept asking. I'm sorry, but I really do want to meet them. They are a very special and big part of you -- don't you get that it's important to me too?
You said I shouldn't worry about it, I guess it's not phasing you as I thought it would, but I don't want to lose you, or whatever I have of you. Your nonchalance scares me. My behavior when I get wasted is so unpredictable, just as you've pointed out in the past. What can I do? I love you, you know that. I just want reciprocity. I think that's what triggers the "craziness", because I want some honest to goodness affection or reassurance from you and I don't get it so I react. I'm sorry. I think the remedy to this issue is for me to have a 2 drink limit. I hope you give me another chance to prove to you that I won't act that way again.
I'm giving you your space and the "break" you're asking for. I really wish you wouldn't tell me you need a break. What exactly does that mean??? I asked you how long said break would be and you said you didn't know. Why do you feel the need to be away from me so much? I don't get it.
I hope your New Year is calm and quiet. Please stay home like you said you would. I'm not going to text you (break, remember?), but I will be dying to know where you are and what you are doing. I asked you a few weeks ago to be with me and only me and you said ok. I hope you meant it.
I love you, A. I can't hide it anymore. You know that best.
9:48 a.m. - 2018-12-31
Recent entries:
Jealous of the air you breathe - 2019-01-20
%%older_entries%%Behind these Four Walls - 2019-01-19
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%%older_entries%%It's Now or Never... Tell me How You Really Feel - 2019-01-17
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%%older_entries%%
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