I wish I could work it out with you. I wish that the last 15 years of marriage could be enough to make this work. I hate hurting you. I hate what all this has made me become. It has turned me into a cold, heartless bitch. But you have to admit, sure you must acknowledge that this was coming. This has been brewing for the last few years.
I wish he was like you, in some aspects. You would never ignore me like he does. I wish he had your patience. What you both have in common is the lack of communication and the fact that you don't share how you feel.
But I know that even if things didn't work out between him and I, our marriage is broken. Broken beyond repair and I'm afraid it will never get fixed. I pick a fight with you or you pick a fight with me and living together just makes things very difficult. I don't want the girls to see us argue and fight.
I wish I would let him go; release him from whatever this is. I wish I could release myself. I am only suffering in silence. He will not be able to give me what I want. I want to give him the opportunity to try, but he runs away from the topic every time I bring it up and quiet frankly, I'm tired of it. I love him, but my love is not enough to make this last.
I think some times you have to break yourself in order to begin to mend. I feel I am at that point. Maybe, if I gave him no other choice, he will finally make a choice. I didn't want to do that. I wanted him to come to his own conclusion about what we're doing, without me having to pressure him but I see now that it will not happen. I think he's comfortable with what we have. It's not enough for me. I cannot be his weekend lover. I refuse.
For now, I will not engage in any communication with him. If he doesn't reach out to me, then that will be the beginning of the end, I guess. If he doesn't initiate a get together, I will not make an effort either. Ultimately, the choice will be made.
I foresee a lot of pain to come. I deserve it.
12:14 p.m. - 2019-01-22
Recent entries:
Our Freedom Place - 2019-01-27
%%older_entries%%Closet of Rejections. Take your Exit now. - 2019-01-26
%%older_entries%%Never Enough - 2019-01-25
%%older_entries%%Learn to walk away - 2019-01-23
%%older_entries%%Breathe - 2019-01-22
%%older_entries%%
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