Last Wednesday, I ask you if we'll be seeing each other on the weekend. You respond with your usual -- "we can't continue this way, you will have another outburst, I have to stop giving in to you, I'll think about it ". I let it go, because I know you and I know me... and I know my limit is near.
Friday comes around and I ask you if you thought about it. Your response is less than ideal. In shorter words, you say we would have had something great had we stuck to our original "agreement". Exclusive sex and fun. No attachments. You must think I'm made of stone -- to have that type of relationship and not developed feelings. You must also think very low of yourself-- to not believe anyone would not fall for you. Underneath the heartless-asshole facade you display, you are a smart, funny, charming and caring man. How could I not have gotten attached to you? I am no monster-- how could you not have gotten attached to me??
So you end the conversation by telling me that we still need the break. What else can I say? So I let it go and carry on with my day. I go to happy hour with an equally heart broken co-worker and we share our misery among alcohol. Then, at 7-30ish, my phone buzzes. I have a text -- it's you... You pull me back by telling me that you want to go see a movie and ask if I want to go. I should know better... I should know to say no. You have me like a yo-yo... but my heart betrays me and I immediately say yes. Who am I kidding after all? I always want to be with you.
So we meet up and we watch Captain Marvel. We have a good time and our night extends with a little game of bowling. We drive to a nearby bowling alley, grab a couple of drinks at the bar and bowl the night away. It was a great night, drama-free night. It's 2am and we are getting ready to leave. You look happy and that makes me incredibly happier. We hug goodbye and you kiss me on the cheek as you normally do. No PDA for you.
I get home and I sit in my car for a bit. I replay the events of the week -- you telling me we still need a break, me accepting it -- you texting me later wanting to meet, even though you had said no. I just don't get you, A. What kind of mind tricks are you playing?
The next morning, you continue to text me. Something about a conversation you were having with your sons about gen X'ers vs. millennials. You're telling me that although you're a gen x'er (and a late one at that) and I barely made the millenial group, I'm "cool". You also tell me something else that I won't say here because it's tmi, but what you said infuriates me. You say we can't continue our physical relationship yet you taunt me with your comments and your constant need to remind me of our sexual and physical connection. You're dangling a carrot you will not allow me to get. Why do you do that to me? When will you stop?
I start my "t" session on Tuesday (therapy). I hope it helps me move on from this toxic environment I seem to recklessly involve myself in.
10:44 a.m. - 2019-03-17
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