January 2, 2020.
Two years ago, your name meant nothing to me. You were just another name, another face in the sea of things... people I didn't really think twice about.
I hate resolutions, but if I had one, I would try my hardest to get back to that day where your name meant nothing to me.
I'm promising myself that this year, I must not give up on my fight to remove you from me I must stop meeting up with you. Stop thinking about you. Stop dreaming about you. But mainly, stop hoping that the cheese will reappear in Station C. It's ironic, that you gave me the book, "Who Stole My Cheese", among other things (and you giving me those xmas gifts is another story in itself because I nearly cried when we met up for lunch on New Year's Eve and you gave me my belated Christmas gifts. I fucken hated the fact that you still have your ways to grab on to my heart by doing the right things). But anyway, the book-- you told me that I should definitely read it... and I did. And you know what, it made me realize that I'm the character Hem... who stays at Station C desperately waiting for the cheese to reappear and too stubborn to leave. I'm Hem and you are Station C... and I must realize that the "cheese" will never return... it ran it's course and I must grab my shoes and move on (Little Black Sandals by Sia would be a perfect song connection to the shoe analogy, listen to the lyrics). Anyway, the irony in it all is quite amusing to me.
So, we ended the last day of the year with a lunch, gifts and a farewell hug. We said our "Happy New Year" through text later that day. I knew that was your way of saying, "There, we said it. There will be no reason to text it again at the stroke of midnight". I know you very well enough to know this. And, well guess what? I didn't hear from you yesterday-- at all. Not surprising. You said you'd be "busy" all weekend. So my curiosity took over and I checked if you were at work by attempting to send you an email just to see if I'd see an away message and guess what? There was an away message... you'd return by 1/6/20. Where are you going? Are you going to Sacramento to see her?? Why the hell should I care!
But that's not my point now. My point is, I'm leaving Station C for good. The cheese is no longer there. I feel good about this... and I may get lost in the maze... I may even want to convince myself to return to Station C, just like Haw tried returning after many failed attempts at trying to find a new station with cheese. But dammit, I freaking owe it to myself to try. I really do.
Happy New Year, Diaryland.
8:34 a.m. - 2020-01-02
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