Seeing that text message really hurt me that night. At first glance, I wanted to run to you - to say a big YES! But then, as I re-read what you wrote, I got angry. And after I thought of the reasons why I was angry, I was incredibly sad. Because that text told me so much more... it reminded me of things that are true and cannot be hidden anymore. Here is one: After all that has been said, all I have expressed about what I need and want from you and how you respond, why would you ever think that I could sleep with you without emotions? NO STRINGS ATTACHED! What does that even mean? We're 4 years into this - this whatever it is and you think that by saying this that it means anything? That I would automatically snap my fingers and not care or not continue to want something from you? That I wouldn't touch you without tenderness, kiss you without passion or look into your eyes and not feel the love that I do? Two: I am convinced that I am just a bootie call to you. That is all you ever wanted from me. Not my time, my companionship, or my silly conversation. Just sex. That was never love. This tells me that all you want is getting your kicks at my expense and by saying "no strings attached" will somehow protect you from ever taking any responsibility for how I felt after, when you ghost me or you ignore or treat me like I'm no one to you. And finally, hurting me means nothing to you. Knowing how I feel, knowing how much I fought for us to be something more than just your need to get off, or "just fun", it's like you're mocking me; you dangle the carrot knowing that I will never have what I truly want - YOU. It hurts me that you don't even consider what that does to me. You don't care that I will be left wanting more because one night will never be enough and me begging you for more will only result in you calling me needy, or dramatic. How can you be ok with that? How can you compromise my emotional well being? How can you say you love me then continue to intentionally break me? You don't want me, I finally get it. There are only so many ways you can tell me that. My heart HURTS thinking about it... how can I NOT want strings? And why would you settle for less? Why would you settle for someone who only wants you to fulfill a physical need? How can you not imagine someone wanting you for more than just one night and why do you feel you don't deserve it? You do not love someone you are willing to hurt in this way. I never omitted how I felt, I never pretended to not feel this way. Do you even know what I want? Do you know what YOU want? My heart hurts. I can't imagine how yours must feel. I am saddened by that thought. And you want to know what's worse? I love you so much as a person and partner but I also incredibly love you as a friend, and my friend is hurting me. I am trying to heal from the realization that you never cared for me. I feel broken.
5:22 p.m. - 2022-06-10
Recent entries:
Rebirth - 2023-12-07
%%older_entries%%Riddle - 2023-07-10
%%older_entries%%I'm Fucking Done! - 2022-11-02
%%older_entries%%This is Us - 2022-10-22
%%older_entries%%The Reasons Why... - 2022-08-27
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