I think it's hilarious how you've gotten used to ignoring my real questions, don't text me for a few days and then just randomly contact me. As if there was a grace period to you running away and coming back to see if I've forgotten.

Last night you were on a roll with your new plan to lifelong success. You were borderline aggressive, I would say. But, you also said something that struck a cord, and silly me, I could have pulled on that string, but a part of me freaked and I ignored it. You were giving me your speech on how to be successful, to actually sense it instead of "visualizing" it. You said you've been reading and watching videos on the topic and the one thing they all say is, to be successful, you also have to give back. And you said, that this is what you want, you be successful with those you care about and that it would be the way to begin to build a "circle of trust". What does trust have to do with being independently successful?? What did that even mean? That you want to start trusting me? Are you finally going to let me in? Because that's exactly what I asked from you a few days ago and I asked you where we were headed and that there will come a point where you and I have to talk about what we're doing. Is this you letting me in and giving in?

You sounded very excited and I was excited for you. I hope this is a small step towards whatever reality this becomes. It's been a year, A. How much longer can we pretend this is a "no strings attached" relationship? Did it ever have an expiration date? Did you even stop to think how long this would last? Sure, you tried to end it a few times, but in the end, some way or another we would end up right back where we started. Now you have come to know me very well and I think you might even come to love me. You've told me more than once, although to be fair, you were wasted all those times and you even tried to fix it by saying you loved me like a friend. But we both know that's total buillshit. Just as you know I'm total bullshit when I pretend I don't want more from you. You know that very well.

So now, here we are at this crossroads and I feel like there's this ticking bomb, waiting... waiting to see what happens next. You have seem to accept the fact that I will get very emotional with you when I'm drunk, or what you call "crazy". And I've accepted the fact that you will avoid my real questions about us. But really, all I want is to know what's in your head. Like I told you before, I don't expect a marriage proposal, heck in my situation, it would be down right ridiculous. I just want you to share with me how you feel so that we can truly be on the right page. Luv, we have NEVER been on the same page. Not even for a minute. Maybe I tried to fool myself in the beginning by thinking I could just sleep with you for one and night and move on, but who the f*@k was I kidding???

I can't keep saying the ball is in your court. I am tired of waiting around for you and I think you sense that. Let me in... to where your thoughts have been... let me peer inside (Gotye's " Your Hearts a Mess).

Love, A.

11:50 a.m. - 2019-01-18