I step inside the office. I am nervous as I sit on the waiting room couch, ready to be called in by this stranger who I'm supposed to spill my guts to. Because, I'm about to tell her how miserable I am and how pathetic I sound when I tell her about my ridiculous obsession. I have to tell her that I cannot move on from this non-existent relationship that has my mood and emotions out of control.

She comes out of her office and introduces herself. We step into a room with a couple of sofas and colorful walls. There's a bookshelf at the end of the room with books and magazines. I immediately notice a box of tissues on the couch and I'm wondering whether I will have to use them. I told myself I was not going to cry.

I tell her I don't know where to start, because I really don't. Suddenly I feel ridiculous; why am I here? So I begin to explain that I am married and that for the past 14 months I have been having an affair with a co-worker. I tell her that my marriage is over and has been for a while.

I begin to spill things from my childhood, repressed emotions and fears. Finally, she asks if I want to talk about "him" (A). I begin explaining how we met and how this all began. I tell her about that January night in Sacramento and all that followed after. The texts and the flirting which then led to our meeting up and beginning this rollercoaster. I tell her how you, A, always want a break but somehow end up pulling me back in. I tell her how I always let you.

Do you want to know what she said?

"Sounds like he enjoys manipulating you. You are at his beck and call. He treats you like a child by scolding you and punishing you with these breaks whenever you show any true emotion or when you express how you feel and what you want out of this relationship, regardless if you are intoxicated. He set his boundaries but you never did and that tells him he can say and do whatever he pleases because you allow it"

I squirm in that couch. I have to look at the floor, for I know that everything she is saying is true. My mind knows this; my logical sense knows this. But DAMMIT tell it to my heart! They can't connect.

Her homework for me until our next session is to do this: Do not jump everytime he wants to see me. If he rejects me when I ask to see him, tell him how that makes me feel. If he pulls away, let him. That way, I will be setting my boundaries. He will either accept them or reject them. From there, I can start working towards leaving the situation and moving on.

I think these t-sessions will help. 50 minutes is not long enough, and I even went over 15 minutes of my scheduled time.

A, I don't want this to end but I have to let you go if this continues the way it has been. I want to be in your life. I told you am I ready to take it as slow as you want, as practical as you want. I am not expecting a marriage proposal or a deep profession of your undying love and devotion. I told you, I am a big girl. I just want you. Your company your conversation, your presence in my life.

11:15 a.m. - 2019-03-20