“It is quite a revelation to discover that the place you wanted to escape to is the exact same place you escaped from. That the prison wasn't the place, but the perspective.”
― Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

I've been reading all my previous entries throughout the two-plus decades that I've had this diary. All I can do is chuckle. Boy, do I sound stupid -- annoyingly stupid. I get a feeling where I want to yell, "OMG for fuck's sake shake out of it STUPID"!

I'm guessing you're wondering what's changed since the last time I wrote in here. There has been tremendous improvement since the moment I decided to show up for myself, for once. While my life is not perfect - and it sure isn't -- I'm in a state of calm and clarity. To address the elephant in the room, my time with A has shifted from the toxic whadayacallit to a distant "hey there" every now and then. He is no longer my boss and in fact, he no longer works for the same Department. I get the occasional Teams message asking how I am and how things are but other than that, it is a comfortable nothing. I no longer stalk his social media to see if he is online or wonder why he hasn't sent a dumb IG video. I finally felt the need to protect myself and no longer feel the need to have him. Instead, I recoil at the memory of all his denials and narcissistic behavior. All I can do now is store those memories into the "What the hell was I thinking" pile. And that is all the energy I will share about that. Because in reality, it is no longer something that I care to worry myself about.

Now I'd like to talk about my marriage. Coming up on 20 years this February. I feel ashamed to want to celebrate such a milestone, considering everything I've written here. But I do have to say that sometimes things have to be so completely broken to be repaired. Granted, it is not perfect, but I do believe that these last five years have been a wakeup call for both of us. That this 20-year wedding anniversary can be celebration - rebirth. I will continue to make amends for my mistakes and will continue to remind him of my needs from him as well. All is coming together as it should.

I am getting a promotion at work. It's nice to see how my hard work is paying off. Although leaving my project management family is tough, I do believe it is time for me to move on - in more ways than one.

More to come.

8:44 a.m. - 2023-12-07