well this is going to be a special entry. i'm gonna call this my "single life" story. the lines behind my years of growing up and dating the mix of losers, assholes, jerks and also the sweethearts, the sensitive one, and the love of my life.
1991. i was 8 years old. a kid. a little girl. but i was fascinated and most off all infatuated with a boy. a boy whom when i laid eyes on for the very first time i knew he would forever be in my heart. angel.
i had a crush on him since i was in the fourth grade. he was a year younger than me and was in a different track. i only got to see him a few times in the years of elementary but when i did it felt great!! this went on until i could no longer keep it a secret. i wrote him a "love letter" and signed it "your secret admirer". i was in the 6th grade then and he was in the 5th. the reason why i built the courage to write that letter (which may i add he still has) was because my time at lillian st. elementary was about to end.
ofcourse he knew it was me. a friend of mine told him but unfortunately nothing ever happened. i graduated and went on to middle school and never spoke to him again. not until i went back to lillian during my vacation to volunteer in one of the classes. i went back to my heart and gave it another chance.
angel and i got to know each other, and even though we were kids we liked each other very much. on april 22nd, 1994 he asked me to "be his girlfriend" and i ofcourse said yes. he graduated elementary and moved on to middle school and the only thing that stood between us what different schools. i begged him to attend my school but he chose another. that didn't stop our "relationship". i would visit him every day after school at his grandmother's house. i was in love. as much as a 13 year old can be. with him i shared my first kiss, my first moonlight walk, my first butterflies in my stomach feeling and my first heartache.
it was all my fault. and i made him cry. it was three months into our relationship (which is forever in those years) and i took his feelings for me for granted. i let him go to experience someone else. i broke his heart. he cried as i walked away but i would soon learn to cry A WHOLE LOT MORE for him after. after he didn't want to take me back. i left him for David #1.
David #1 was a big mistake. i met him in the seventh grade. he liked me and gave me attention and that was what i most craved. i thought i would give him a try thinking angel would still be there after. i would soon learn to regret that for years to come. my time with david was very short. i was in the 8th grade then. he cheated on me with another girl and never even said "i'm sorry". it didn't hurt me that much, it was the pain of losing angel that haunted me. (i didn't learn from my experience with that jerk because i later went out with him in early 2000. that was one stupid date not worth telling.)
moving on....
i graduated middle school hating David #1. i went off to high school and really didn't think much of guys. back then writing and acting was my life. 9th grade came and went and stayed away from the boys then 10th grade came along. i started drama class and to my heart's surprise Angel came back into my life. Angel was in the 9th grade and also attended the drama class. i didn't get the courage to talk to him until half the semester had gone by and we were acting in a play together. to my luck he had forgotten me and had then built a crush on another girl in the class. my heart would bleed every time i saw them together. i would cry every night wishing i was 13 again. i knew then i would only be his friend and i accepted that. and that's how the year went by until 11th grade came along and i met David #2.
David #2 was a very unique boy. when i first knew of him i made fun of him. he was a year younger than me and really wanted to stand out from the crowd. we hit it off right away when met. we both had the same admiration for two dead musicians. he for jim morrison and i for kurt cobain. we had a good time while it lasted but i'm going to identify it as we both needed someone to hold. i can't recall why it ended all i know is that it didn't work. after a few years he would later tell me that he loved me and wanted another chance but it was all ancient history.
in the 12th grade omar happened. omar was a nice guy. he was sweet and sensitive and i was a jerk with him. i got with him in my first semester as a senior. a big part of that was to proove to my friends that i was over david #2. i really wanted to like omar but he pushed me away with how bad he wanted that. he would things for me because he knew i liked them. he knew i liked poetry and his attempts to write for me failed. he was too attached to me. walked me to and from work and was always there. it came to the point where i couldn't breathe. and then came angel again. while being with omar angel crept back into my mind. he would be friendlier with me even waited for me in a certain place every day before class started in the morning. everytime i would walk with omar hand in hand and angel would pass by i would drop his hand and turn away. i let go of omar and again felt heartache because i knew i had again broken another heart. that would be the last time omar talked to me.
that year i got the courage AGAIN to write to angel about my feelings. i honestly thought he liked me still. we had gotten close again and i wanted to regain what he felt for me. i wrote him a letter which said i still liked him and wanted to know whether i had another chance or move on. that night i called him and asked for his response. i told him i would never be able to move until he told me so. when he told me to move on my heart felt the strongest pain and i knew that would be it with my 9 year infatuation with angel.
the rest of my senior year came and went and i did not let another boy into my life. then came prom.
prom night was april 22nd 1999. i went to prom with my best friends ex-boyfriend. it was okay with her, ofcourse or else i wouldn't have. that night Fernando turned my world upside down. Fernando was a friend of pretty much everyone i knew. i always thought he was attractive but everyone knew he had a serious girlfriend whom he had tattoed her name in his arm. well, he went to prom with a friend of ours in our little group. it was the "after party" in which my hell hole with Fernando began. we decided to rent a room and drink for the night. as it turned out the only ones going were myself, fernando, andrea and her then boyfriend and our other friend rick.
i got wasted beyond belief and since the attraction was already there fernando and i ended up "hooking up" the night turned into morning and we did not sleep. we got kicked out of the motel we were staying in because of the loud noises. we decided to go to the movies and watch "the matrix". ofcourse we barely even saw the movie with all the "sucking face" that was going on. i didn't think that was going to lead anywhere and the thought of the name tattoed on his arm didn't convice me otherwise. surprisingly enough that monday after prom in school he showed up and i greeted him with open arms.
on that following thursday, which was the last day of school fernando had invited me to go to a friends house with him. andrea and i ditched our last class and when i got to my car he stole my heart when i found a rose underneath my windshield wiper. i knew then, i had fallen for the guy.
that night i crashed my car. right after that he asked me to be his girlfriend. i said yes but didn't think why. why would i be with this guy who had another girl's name tattoed to his arm. why would i be with a guy who lived an hour away from me. why would i be with this guy who i hardly knew? all those questions were unanswered. simply because i believed he truly liked me.
the first few months were great. he came every weekend to visit me and every chance i had i would visit him. i was in love. the girl on his arm would come up every now and then but he always pushed that topic away. i would later find that the girl was still around. i realized that when the calls bacame shorter and the visits were slowly coming to a stop. i would go to my friends for advice but they only had silence. deep down i knew that they knew the truth but only hid it from me to spare the pain. my graduation day came and he did not show up. i went to him that night. drove an hour to where he lived to get an answer. it was then i knew my nightmare had just begun. you see, i had fallen for the guy and he knew that. he still had this other girl in his life. but ofcourse he would. they dated for years. how would he give her up? that was always my question. why wasn't i good enough? why did i want to take this girls place so much? this girl was away in the army being "all she could be". she was stationed in texas and i later found out through a friend that he had left to be with her. we hadn't officially broken up but it was then when i knew it was over. my father had passed away that month and i never got a call from him. i was in HELL!!!
after that i was like a yo-yo. he would come back to l.a. for me and i like a stupid idiot would believe his lies and would go home with him. i wanted him so much that i would lie to myself. i would lie to myself and make excuses for him. this lasted for about a year. he would come and go. and i accepted that. that is until i met the man in my life.
i started a new job with hopes to get away from the cloud that shadowed me. fernando had taken a lot from me to the point where i could not love myself. in this new job i found friendship in a guy. he would be the shoulder i cried on. fernando would still come around with his lies that he had finally broken up with the tattoo girl. i believed him. one night i drove to oxnard where he was living to visit him. it was then when i showed him that i was not the stupid girl he once knew. i had enough when i was there and he locked himself in his room to talk to HER. i was grabbing my things to leave that night and he stopped me. she would continously call him and leave obscene messages. she knew very well i was there.
that next morning i left determined to end that string which attached us. i came home to the arms of a guy who was not just beginning to be my friend but the one who was my strenght and my happiness. it was Leo.
Leo and i started working together. it was a funny story about him and i because i never thought we would be involved. he was a nice guy but i was just recovering from the mess that fernando left in me. Leo knew what i was going through with fernando and he stepped back only offering his friendship.
slowly i started to become attached to leo. we went out one night to the movies. we saw "pitch black". then we had a long walk at the beach. i got to know him very well and became to appreciate him. he was becoming my best friend. he took me for the first time to visit my father's grave. he watched as i cried while laying those red roses on the green grass that grew over his body. he was slowly becoming my everything. every time i was happy i would call Leo. Every time i was sad i would call Leo. our nights out were becoming more and more habitual. and though fernando still tried to come into my life he would fail. the night i knew i was in love with leo was the night when fernando came and "poured his heart" out to me (he did this twice by the way. once in the beginning and later again after a year). he said he loved me and wanted something serious. he said he looked in the tattoo girl what he saw in me and he knew he wouldn't find it in her. that night i told him i had Leo. and i meant it.
Leo and i started dating and although it was very hard to conceal our relationship because we worked together we still managed to have a good time. we officially became a "couple" on july 27th 2000. after the fernando drama and even a little side date with David #1.
on december 24th, 2001 i called it quits with Leo. we argued a lot and the fact that he was my boss didn't help it one bit. i hated the fact that we had to hide our relationship from everyone in fear of losing our jobs. we could never be affectionate in public. i hated that!!! i let him go. it was hard but i felt our relationship would really be damaged if we didn't take this time apart. I originally didn't add this part to my story. I thought it was not worth telling at the time; perhaps it was my pride, or my feelings that got in the way. During that time when we broke up, I met someone. I thought he was my soul mate. I loved him deeply. He was older than me and I thought he knew me to the core. All of my expectations were met. He was my everything and I thought we would be together for a long time. To say the least, he was everything I wanted and everything I hated. We met at a very wrong time and our worlds did not connect. We were in two different zones. I won't take back the fact that i would never trade those six months we shared. I will always hold that time in my life very dearly. i wish things would have ended differently and who knows if his indiscretion ever existed. let's just leave it at that... what happened in between those six months now is just a blur. all i remember was him coming around more often and me wishing we were togehter again. i had then transferred out of his store and was no longer working with him. this was a good thing and we decided that six months was long enough to be away. we got back together.
at first things were very hard. we fought constantly and nothing seemed to be right. i guess i knew deep down that he resented me for leaving him six months ago. one night we had a long talk about what was going to happen between us. we broke whatever barrier was holding us from that happiness. after that everything fell into place. we were happy again.
on february 14th, 2003 six months after we got back together he proposed to me. that day i had an idea that it was coming but i must admit he threw me off gaurd. he came over to my house and i thought he was going to ask. i had to work that day so there would be no other time for him to do so. he came to my house and to my surprise left without proposing. i drove off to work a bit upset but still happy to be with him. as i was driving nearly getting to the freeway my phone rings. i answered it only to hear his voice. "pull into that gas station" he says. "i'm right behind you. i want to give you something." i'm excited but think he's going to give me chocolates or a flower or something. he walks over to my door and tells me "close your eyes". i knew then what was coming. when i opened them i saw a beautiful ring infront of me and heard his voice say "will you marry me?" i didn't know what to say and the first thing that popped into my mind to reply was "in a gas station?" he slipped the ring in my finger and the rest is history.
and now 5 months away from the wedding i recall all those experiences which led me to appreciate them man i will spend the rest of my life with. all i can say now is "i am my beloved and my beloved is mine" "to have and to hold from this day forward".
this was written for you goldy (cause i know yo wanted me write)....hehe
p.s. sorry for any mispelled words. i am not re-reading this. and i typed it fast.
8:05 p.m. - 2003-08-28
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