I feel like i haven't written a darn thing in here in a long time.
i mean, i have written but not like i used to.
and believe you me, there has been a lot going on.
from having a boyfriend, hanging out with my two best friends, working as a manager in a company i detest to having a husband, not talking to my friends for about 9 months now, and still working as a manager at a crappy company that does't give a shit whether i exist or not!
so where should i begin? well, you might know that i got married in february of 2004. we bought a house in august 2004. we've been happily married for about 15 months now. mind you, we argue like cats and dogs (oh do we fuss and fight) but overall i think we get a kick out of it. i mean, it never ends up bad, we always sord of finish laughing at each other. or him at me for the most part anyway cause i'm the one who always triggers the fights.
so we're fine. our marriage is good and healthy. it's everything else that's fucked up, really. it's my big fear of getting pregnant and having a child. i mean, it's the most normal thing right? to have a baby. everyone seems to ask me the same thing. they say "you've been married for a year now, when's the baby coming?" i get asked that so many times that i don't know if i'm normal cause i want to wait. i'll be turning 24 in august. i'm still young. it's him that feels like he's getting older. he'll be 29 in december. he feels that because he's pushing 30 he'll be too old to play with his kids when they're older. ofcourse he never tells me that, but i know he thinks so.
but back to having a baby. it would be the most normal thing. i have a home, steady income on both ends, and a loving husband who is extremely looking forward to becoming a father. so why am i so afraid? i think i will be a bad mother. maybe i'm being too selfish. i start to think about all the things that would change. i would be fully responsible for someone. i mean even with my niece. even though i adopted her, my mom takes care of her as well so i don't feel ALL the pressure of raising her. this child would be my own to either screw up or see succeed. at times i see pregnant women and i think, wow, that could be me. the other day i almost wanted to go into a maternity clothing store? and then i began to wonder. is it because everyone is drilling the baby ideas into me, or because i really do want to have a baby? mother is also waiting impatiently. for mother's day she asked for a rocking chair so that she could rock the baby when it cries. go figure.
but wait, i don't consider that my biggest worry. i'm sure i'll get there eventually. when the time is right.
it's my sister.
i'm sure i've shared her story in here. you could look into my past entries if you wish to recap that. now, i don't have the emotions to do it. but to cut to the chase she's been staying at a homeless shelter for the past month or so. and it's a horrible one too! it's the worst thing you can imagine. it's in downtown where all the bums are lying in tents. dirty and drugged on who knows what. i drove her there. leo (my husband) went with me. i cannot explain what i felt that day as she got out of my car and walked into that hell. and i will never be able to comprehend how on earth i could feel how i felt then. it was one of the most emotional things i had to experience. almost like the time when she was in the hospital for two months after her being hit by a car and losing all comprehension of who i was and what had happened. those months were hell and i re-experienced that in a matter of minutes after dropping her off that day.
i cried all the way back home like you've never seen a 23 year old woman cry. my eyes hurt from all the crying. i was all cried out. you may ask yourself why i would do such a thing to my sister, let her go to a homeless shelter in a city (downtown l.a.) where it's pityful and rotten. i can't get into that now. those who know me and know my story will hopefully understand and realize that i had to do it in order to help her. maybe one day i'll tell my tale. the drugs, the men, the abandonment of her 5 children, and the years and i mean many years of struggle. i'll never truly understand her.
i swore i would never, ever go back to that same place again. the homeless shelter where i left her. and yet i found myself sitting in my car just outside the place yesterday. my mom and i had gone to pick her up so that she could visit with us. she claims she's doing better and taking all the counseling the can give her. says they'll hep her get her job back so that she can get on her feet and be the independent woman she once was. who knows. i wish i could believe her, but when she's said SO many lies, after lies it's hard to tell the difference.
i gave her some outfits and bought her shampoo, underwear and things like that. she says she needed the clothes for the interview to regain her job. i gave her outfits that i don't necessarily need but could use someday. i did it because i want to help her as much as i can. because i recall the days when she was there for me. back in my years of suicide and pills. i was so young and disoriented then.
i wonder even now, is it true? is she doing better? i hope so. i really do hope so.
then there's my mom. did i ever mention that she's sick? she has hepatittis c. not the worst but bad enough to throw off her quality of life. and it's so frustrating not being able to go to her doctor visits sometimes because i have to work. when i get home and hear her tell me how the doctors play the stupid part and tell her that it's all in her head. oh but you should see her. there are times when i don't know how to make her pain go away. switching doctors will hopefully be better. i'll try to go to as many appointments with her as possible.
don't even get me started on work! that's a whole other nights worth of writing. but, i can't complain too much, i guess. i'm alive, right?
wow, this has been one of my longest entries by far. what do you think? could i still have a baby among all the chaos? you be the judge.
-listening to N.I.N. (with teeth)
9:09 p.m. - 2005-05-06
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