Today is not a good day. I find myself lost... lost with the events that have occurred throughout the past year and a half.
My falling down that rabbit hole... falling so deep that I could not climb out. Could not see how damaged it was making me. Making me become someone and something I did not recognize. I see me now, and I don't recognize me. I don't know this person I have become.
I wish I could go back to being comfortably numb. Perfectly complacent. Why do I feel in such shambles now that I know? Now that I know that my husband is moving on. Is it because he is doing things for HER that he never did for me? Does that make me bitter? Or is it that I gave my comfortably numb state of existing for someone who could so easily discard me. Who repeatedly tells me he does not want me. Who just recently joked with me that I needed a boyfriend who can give me more time and attention.
Am I bitter because I was not good enough for my husband to keep, and I was not good enough for 'A' to take a chance on? Regardless, and no matter how you see it, I was not worth the effort on both ends. 19 years or being together, of which 15 we were married, and he never made the extra effort to romance me. Never wrote me sweet words, never gave a flower just because. Never surprised me with unexpected outings. Always kept me waiting, always had an excuse to stay at work late, was always more preoccupied with his phone, even when he was home.
Am I bitter that I am not good enough for 'A' to try to be vulnerable with, try to take down his wall for me, try to let me in. I'm not good enough to be kept. I'm not good enough for time and attention.
Funny thing is, I guess I deserve it. I mean, cheaters always get what's coming to them, right?
3:38 p.m. - 2019-05-28
Recent entries:
Melody - 2019-06-11
%%older_entries%%Alpha - 2019-06-08
%%older_entries%%The Truth - 2019-06-03
%%older_entries%%. - 2019-06-02
%%older_entries%%Rabbit Hole part 2 - 2019-06-01
%%older_entries%%
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